YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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