I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
