guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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