I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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