I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
