If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
