I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this boner is exhausting
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
