So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
