I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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