saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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