My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
