3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
