Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
