No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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