mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
