where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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