Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
