Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
