Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
