Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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