My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
