Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I checked into jail on foursquare
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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