fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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