I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
