I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
