So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
