if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
nutella sex= disaster
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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