Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
