seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
