im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
