u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
