everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
