Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
