please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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