I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
