SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
