Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
