Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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