and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
