Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
