Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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