Just fell off a train. Bad.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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