Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
