dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
