brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
