No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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