Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
