how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
