Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
