Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
